So… you were in a relationship for a long while. You know almost exactly – if not exactly – what your partner likes: what really gets them going. For some reason or another, you guys break up. It’s up in the air whether or not you’ll ever get back together, but you’re amicable. You talk. You get along. You’re not bitter. You guys are friends. Best friends because you’ve spent the better parts of the last several years really getting to know each other. The question is: could you have sex with your ex and not expect anything more?

I want to say yes. I want to say that I’m just like every sex-mongering young adult out there and that I have a hedonistic desire to quench my carnal longings! Too bad I have FEELINGS. Emotions. A far larger amount of estrogen than my male counterparts. Men are so disgustingly  at ease with being able to separate love from sex and you know what? I’m jealous. I’d love to be able to just coquet around (selectively), or possibly more, with just anyone and not necessarily get attached. Wouldn’t that be marvelous?

It’s sex, man! If we’re both unattached at the time, it doesn’t seem unreasonable. I just don’t know how things will go down. You have sex, then it’s time to go? Haha. That’s different. “Oh! Well… that was great. I guess we should take you back home now…” What the fuck! I don’t know how to handle that. Is that something you talk about prior to ‘the happening?’ This is confusing.

It’s weird. How your feelings are different after you break up. Trust me, it took me some time to get to this place. This place where I’ve realized that he’s probably not the last guy I’ll ever date. We’ve talked about him wanting to (and the prospect of him) being intimate with other women – very attractive women might I add – and it doesn’t bother me; it just makes me long for my own intimacy.

For the past 3 years, he was that person you know? How do you get past that? He seems to be able to do it pretty well and that’s great for him. When am I going to get comfortable enough with someone else? I hope that doesn’t mean that what we had was meaningless (I really don’t think it was) but how else am I supposed to feel?

I don’t want to have sex with him because I want him back or because I think it will get him back. It’s just familiar. It won’t be the same but… I don’t know. I guess I just want to feel like I make someone FEEL something. Honestly, this isn’t as crazy as it may sound. I’m just thinking out loud. I don’t want to mess up our friendship or anything. I’m human, though. Haha.

So, if I think it will mess it up do we avoid the whole situation? What the hell do I do?

Thoughts? Comments? I would make this more focused but I have shit to do. I might revisit this at a later time.

I know that many people won’t agree with me here but just think about it: Monogamy is a choice – a contract if you will. If we were truly meant to be monogamous wouldn’t all of our attraction ‘sensors’ turn off? Shouldn’t we be able to easily turn a blind eye to other attractive people? Physically and sexually? How is it that we can still be compatible with others yet simultaneously feel so strongly for the person that we’re with?

With that being said, “we’re only human.” We cannot all be devoid of instinctual possessiveness and jealousy but I feel as though these feelings stem from fear. Fear that we are inadequate for someone, fear that we won’t find someone else, fear that we are inferior to another. I mean… all of that fear is kind of lost when it comes to relationships if you can believe in polyamory.

Polyamory – given our aptness to tap into possessiveness and jealousy – obviously isn’t very plausible for many people. What about casual dating?

In this day and time, the classic form of dating has died out! It’s especially cut out on college campuses. What ever happened taking someone out and getting to know them? Or dating a couple of people before actually choosing to call someone your boyfriend/girlfriend? Now if you’re ‘talking to a couple of people’ people are going to almost always assume you’re behaving lasciviously. And by talking I mean REALLY getting to know someone.  Not something like this:

(Day one) Oh your name is Jared? Yah you’re cute. You just want to be friends? Ok, I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt. (Next day) Girl, no, I’m not letting him ‘get it.’ He’s gonna have to work for IT! I can handle him. But he is kinda cute. (3rd day) Oh, it’s just a couple of drinks at his house. We’re just gonna watch a movie. I’m sure!
(The morning after)… GIRL, I don’t know how I ended leaving my panties over there. It was Love and Basketball and then… BAM… where’d this bed come from?!

Now… That might not all happen in the course of just 4 days but I mean… these things can blow up, blow out and die with THE QUICKNESS. I digress…

For those who do it right, casual dating can prove fruitful. That being said, I am not saying that every girl who gives it up hastily is going to get her heartbroken but HEY. You know what these times are like.

So why has our society made casual dating so taboo?

I guess it’s because we’re all carnal, horny individuals that wanna hop in the sack. Honestly, I feel like our society is largely hedonistic. I don’t see what’s wrong with people hooking-up as long as they are safe. I personally don’t believe I could follow in that practice but I fully support others that do. It might be promiscuous but people get pleasure from doing far worse things like doing drugs and drinking heavily: things that can do major damage to your body in excess. Having sex/making out in excess has it’s dangers but most of those consequences are able to be fixed, reversed or completely prevented.

I think I’ll wrap this up. This is just something that has been on my mind for a while (This post has been on my dashboard since July 24th.) I’d love comments and feedback! Let me know what you think!

Moving on…

2.5 hours until I leave Texas.

How many hours have I spent here this summer and why doesn’t it feel like enough? So many things that I could’ve done, people that I could’ve seen “If I had…” but would I have really? No one knows.

This hasn’t been the best summer I’ve ever had but it’s possibly one of the most rewarding. For 2 months of my summer, I got paid to hang out and make arts and crafts with little kids. I bonded with 3 very different, very special women who made that experience even more amazing.  The DMA was a wonderful place to work this summer. It was definitely unforgettable from the cute 4-5 year olds, to the far-too-touchy-feely 9-12 year olds, to plastic tile mosaics and cardboard furniture, to crashing the Go Van Gogh van and irresponsible adults, but I wouldn’t have traded it for a different summer.

I also realized that I really do have an amazing familly here in Texas. My 3 sisters, my group of best friends, my family and my shoes! Haha. Honestly, though there were some rocky bits with a certain individual, Texas will forever and always be my true home. Although I have another family in Missouri, it could never replace all the love and all the memories that I’ve made here (and vice versa.)  Dallas and Allen are nothing really special in and of themselves because my true attachment is to the people that have been with me and continue to be there with me through some of the best and worst moments of my life.

I find myself often complaining about what I don’t have, what my parents can’t do for me, what I should expect but I just as often take for granted all that I do have. It’s moments like these, the ones where what you care about most must be left behind (even if for a little while) where you remember all that you have to be thankful for. For you to truly see how blessed you really are.

It’s taken all that I have in me not to cry while writing this but the appropriate moment will come.

So this is my unofficial goodbye to Texas and my family. My journey back to Mizzou will be a somewhat reluctant one but I’m sure my reluctance will be replaced with warmth and reassurance when I finally get into Columbia.

Home is where the heart is, right? The Lone Star state is pulling on my heartstring but the ones in the Show Me state are slackening slightly.

“… and all you see / is where else you could be / when you’re at home/
and out on the street / are so many possibilities to not be alone“
- [Death Cab, You're Heart is an Empty Room]

I live that line. Each and everyday. There is no question in my mind that Phillip is someone that I would want to marry. He treats me well, he’s head over heels,  he’s intelligent, he’s not hard on the eyes (haha) and he accepts me for who I am. Completely and fully and undoubtedly. So why am I always worried about what else is out there? What is this insatiable need to play the field?

I guess it’s just my personality but I doubt I’m the only person that has felt and will feel this way. How do you love someone and still be curious about others, too? You can’t have your cake and eat it, too. But if I could, I promise you, I’d be one happy pastry patron. The thing that keeps me faithful and that allows me to turn my cheek on temptation, is my faith in his love  and the unshakeable feeling that I’d be making the biggest mistake of my life.

Sometimes I feel like we’re all out there subconsciously geared to make the mistakes that will point out the undeniable truth. The unwavering answer to all of our questions. Until you’ve made those mistakes, you never truly appreciate the great things that you have. The 3 men that I’ve been involved with – er, well, that I truly can say that I’ve been in a relationship with – were everything you could’ve asked for in a guy. Quite seriously. I don’t know many people that can say that. And somehow it never seems enough. It never seems like it’s enough to quench my thirst for something/someone new. It’s weird to want to experience a bad relationship. It’s weird to feel undeserving.

It’s pathetic really to have reached that level of hedonism – that level of greed and hunger for satisfaction, sex, affirmation, security and lust. How do you want more than the best? How do you leave something so good?

I guess the answer is that we learn. We make those mistakes. We let the right people go. We let the wrong people in so that we appreciate and know what to strive for in the future. Sucks doesn’t it? Looking for something you’ve already had?

So there was a point to this post… Oh, right! How do you decide that you stop searching? How do you know that it’s okay not to try all the candy in the candy store? How do you resolve yourself to sticking with one person?

You hear that love takes sacrifice. That you just know when you’ve found ‘the one.’ I’m not sure that these things are definitive. How are we sure that true love isn’t a choice?

Ugh. My brain and it’s thoughts…

1. Open doors for your girlfriend.
   Not just opening the door the but opening them FOR your girlfriend. If getting in the car, open AND close the door for her.  It’s just gentlemanly, honestly. My past two boyfriends started out doing this but stopped after I protested. As much as I was like “I’m NOT HELPLESS!” I really enjoyed it. It’s a small gesture but it says so much about his character and his values. It’ll make a girl feel good and taken care of.
2. Listen to your girlfriend, find out what she likes and surprise her.
   I know you’ve heard her talk about how much she loves peanut butter and honey sandwiches or that one kind of juice she gets (from that stupid place) that’s too expensive. When she’s having a bad day, pick it up or make it for her! She’ll appreciate the fact that you remember her talking about it (+1 point for listening) and the fact that you cared enough to get it to make her feel better (+2 for consideration.) My ex-boyfriend, Marcelo, was so good about picking up these hints. Mind you, he’s a romantic, he’s thoughtful and generous (wonder why he’s my ex, right?) and pretty much wanted to be able to give me anything I wanted! It’s just another one of those gestures…
3. Be affectionate with her in front of friends: NOT disgusting!
   Okay we know it’s your honeymoon phase or whatever but, trust me, people KNOW you two are in a relationship without you smacking your girlfriend’s ass or sucking on her face all the time. Trust me, people notice when you hold hands, or stand with your hand on the small of her back, or ask her if she needs anything while you’re up. You don’t have to be vulgar and you don’t have to make everyone else around you two uncomfortable. Sometimes – as cliche as this sounds – less is more and it speaks volumes!
4. Send her cute text messages, calls or voicemails
   Now, I’m not telling you to be a bug-a-boo and do this all the time because it can be overkill. I really love getting a random text when I wake up in the morning that says “Good morning, beautiful. I hope you have a great day. I love you.” from Phillip. (He’s really sweet about those things!) Something along those lines. Or a voicemail that says “Sorry that I missed you. I was thinking about you and wanted to say that I love you. Call me later.” They are sweet when done genuinely and it’s always great for your lady to know that you’re thinking about her.
5. Let her know when she does something that you appreciate
   Whether it be her making you a sandwich, telling you that you look good or scratching your head, let your girl know when she does things that make you happy. A “thank you” would be nice, too. More than likely she’ll make a note to do it more often and she’ll feel good about doing it.

For the Women. (Because as much as we want to believe it, we are not without fault.)

1. Say “Thank You”
   Especially if you have a particularly doting, caring and considerate boyfriend! You know that there are somethings that a boyfriend is supposed to do and then those things that show he goes the extra mile: LET HIM KNOW that he’s appreciated. It’s kind of like establishing good behavior with a puppy! Lol if you tell them they are doing a good job and that you appreciate it, they’ll keep doing it! Haha.I’m still working on that…
2. Sometimes it’s okay for your to pay for yourself
   He doesn’t need to pick up your tab at Starbuck’s all the time, or pay for that new pair of shoes, or buy you that random assed burger at Sonic. Haha. I mean of course it’s nice when he offers and when you’re out on a date but ladies, what were you doing for money before you had a boyfriend?! Let him know that you can take care of yourself. Now, a man likes to take care of his woman so don’t go all Miss Independent on him because YOU DO deserve pampering.
3. Let him have ‘boy time’ without making him feel bad about it
   It doesn’t mean that he doesn’t want to be around you, it just means that he wants to hang out with his boys! He’s probably around you more than he ever gets to see his friends and, *shocker* you are NOT the only person he associates with. Also, when he’s with his boys, let him BE WITH THEM, don’t text him constantly. It’ll probably make his friends resent you and him stay out longer than he had intended too.
4. It’s ok to be the aggressor
   No, it does not mean that you’re a skank and it doesn’t necessarily mean that you have control issues, it just means that you’re letting your man know that you have an active role in the relationship: and that it doesn’t always entail you being the “receiver.” Ask him out on a date, initiate a make out session (or more), etc. It’ll take some of the pressure of him (unless he wants to do these things all the time…) and sometimes it’s even arousing for him.
5. Be able to spend time with yourself and by yourself
   Seriously? What were you doing before you were with him? ( “I was with someone else!”) GIRL, STOP! Let your boyfriend breathe. I completely understand the desire to be around your significant other but he’s not always going to have time for or want to eat with you, watch a movie, go shopping or whatever! You should have a good group of girlfriends (who probably miss you if you’re really boyfriend-clingy) that you can go hang with when he’s busy and you should be able to do things on your own without being completely lost. You are both your own people and never let that be forgotten.