Have you ever found yourself looking at someone and thinking “Damn, I’d totally hit but not commit?” “Ready to bone but stay alone?” “All up for mating but definitely not dating?” or something along those lines. [It really didn't take too long to come up with these, surprisingly.] Why is everyone so hellbent on being monogamous?
I know that many people won’t agree with me here but just think about it: Monogamy is a choice – a contract if you will. If we were truly meant to be monogamous wouldn’t all of our attraction ‘sensors’ turn off? Shouldn’t we be able to easily turn a blind eye to other attractive people? Physically and sexually? How is it that we can still be compatible with others yet simultaneously feel so strongly for the person that we’re with?
With that being said, “we’re only human.” We cannot all be devoid of instinctual possessiveness and jealousy but I feel as though these feelings stem from fear. Fear that we are inadequate for someone, fear that we won’t find someone else, fear that we are inferior to another. I mean… all of that fear is kind of lost when it comes to relationships if you can believe in polyamory.
Polyamory – given our aptness to tap into possessiveness and jealousy – obviously isn’t very plausible for many people. What about casual dating?
In this day and time, the classic form of dating has died out! It’s especially cut out on college campuses. What ever happened taking someone out and getting to know them? Or dating a couple of people before actually choosing to call someone your boyfriend/girlfriend? Now if you’re ‘talking to a couple of people’ people are going to almost always assume you’re behaving lasciviously. And by talking I mean REALLY getting to know someone. Not something like this:
(Day one) Oh your name is Jared? Yah you’re cute. You just want to be friends? Ok, I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt. (Next day) Girl, no, I’m not letting him ‘get it.’ He’s gonna have to work for IT! I can handle him. But he is kinda cute. (3rd day) Oh, it’s just a couple of drinks at his house. We’re just gonna watch a movie. I’m sure!
(The morning after)… GIRL, I don’t know how I ended leaving my panties over there. It was Love and Basketball and then… BAM… where’d this bed come from?!
Now… That might not all happen in the course of just 4 days but I mean… these things can blow up, blow out and die with THE QUICKNESS. I digress…
For those who do it right, casual dating can prove fruitful. That being said, I am not saying that every girl who gives it up hastily is going to get her heartbroken but HEY. You know what these times are like.
So why has our society made casual dating so taboo?
I guess it’s because we’re all carnal, horny individuals that wanna hop in the sack. Honestly, I feel like our society is largely hedonistic. I don’t see what’s wrong with people hooking-up as long as they are safe. I personally don’t believe I could follow in that practice but I fully support others that do. It might be promiscuous but people get pleasure from doing far worse things like doing drugs and drinking heavily: things that can do major damage to your body in excess. Having sex/making out in excess has it’s dangers but most of those consequences are able to be fixed, reversed or completely prevented.
I think I’ll wrap this up. This is just something that has been on my mind for a while (This post has been on my dashboard since July 24th.) I’d love comments and feedback! Let me know what you think!
I am personally a big fan of the casual dating scene, but maybe the way I did it is different from what happens today. We used to call it “serial monogamy” because the “relationship” we were in, although monogamous (for a time) was not a serious relationship. We may or may not have gotten to know someone before the first time we slept with them, but we continued to see them on a regular basis without all the “requirements” of a relationship. For example, I had known a guy in high school, hadn’t seen him in 15 years, ran into him through a mutual friend, made out the first night we saw each other, and 3 months later we were still “hooking up” once a week. The hook ups weren’t planned because we didn’t really talk at all during the week, but I knew where he would be, and if I didn’t show up he’d call me. It was good for what it was. Neither of us were seeing anyone else, but neither of us wanted to be in a serious, day-to-day relationship.
For me, these relationships couldn’t last more than about 3 months because at that point I either wanted more than he was willing to give, or he wanted more than I was willing to give. At that point we’d both agree that it was time to move on. This was the perfect way for me to “date” while I was looking for Mr. Perfect–and I found him.
I did my share of sluttin’ around as well, and that wasn’t nearly as much fun. The difference was my mindset. Casual dating was a choice like monogamy–I knew going in what I wanted and expected and I had my rules clearly defined. Sluttin’ around was spontaneous and left me feeling hurt and disappointed in myself and the guy. Still, those were learning experiences and I don’t regret them.
They are what led me to casual dating and ultimately to my now fulfilling monogamous relationship.